I started noticing this as a pattern only recently. Back in February when we were in New Zealand, Diane was trying to get me to call someone to help with cleaning in preparation for the wedding celebration we were holding in Golden Bay at my house. She asked me several times and I finally did the task reluctantly. But before I complied, I got really angry and in a loud angry voice told Diane to “Stop telling me what to do!”

It was so out of character for me that she did not react and just thought, “he is really upset, something got triggered.” I calmed down, admitted that it was probably me having to comply to my mother’s expectations and the anger I had felt in complying. After all, I couldn’t really not comply, I was the goody two shoe of the family, the older brother, meeting or exceeding all my parent’s expectations. The role of the moderate rebel was left to my year younger brother. But I am sure the lack of freedom that compliance entailed, was resented at some deep level.

Then recently, it was just a little thing that Diane suggested, something that would contribute to my well-being and I closed down, didn’t like her and didn’t want to do what she had suggested. She felt she could not contribute to me and was therefore somewhat “invisible” (one of her buttons). I felt “not good enough” and noticed my mind saying, “get off my back, leave me alone, let me do it myself.” This time my response was much more subtle, but still it damaged the connection that Diane and I normally maintain.

As we talked about it, I recognized that it harked back once again to my resisting my mother’s expectations and insistence I be a certain way. Also there was a mandate (stated by my father) to not express anger towards my mother. So I think I had a lot of bottled up suppressed anger. I do remember, that I couldn’t get away fast enough to go to boarding school at 14. Finally I was on my own!

That is not to say, I didn’t get lots of support from my mother as I was growing up. In fact I was extremely fortunate – my own horse, camping and skiing trips, a calm, good family atmosphere, safe and loving. It was just these underlying expectations of who we were and how we needed to act in order to get my mother’s attention and love, that must have curtailed my sense of being freely myself. And even though I took all that training on (how to act) and now appreciate my “upbringing”, I am left with this anger that is now surfacing in the safety of my loving and authentic relationship with Diane.

In past relationship, this resistance (upset) would have surfaced as a big row. “You don’t love me, because you don’t do what I ask”, “You don’t let me contribute to you”, “Get off my back”, “Stop nagging me” and of course all the accompanying feelings of anger, resentment, sadness and the pulling away from whatever level of intimacy that preceded the argument.

I am so thankful for Diane as my partner, so that I can have these uncomfortable and potentially relationship ruining upsets come up and be able to talk about them and finally let them go. We both recognized recently that whatever patterns are still left will mostly surface and get expressed within our relationship. Thank God we have a way to deal with them!